Today, I played Wii for the first time. Yes. Wii. For the first time. And guess what? I SUCKED AT IT. We played for a really long, seemingly endless hour, during which I managed to lose any ounce of dignity I might ever have had.
Just in case you were living with me and you don’t know how a Wii thingamabob looks like, here’s a picture:
You hold one of the remotes in one hand and the other in your other hand (I know, it’s really complicated stuff…) and you kind of just wave them around like Harry fucking Potter with his wand. Or a drunk old man with his penis…depending on which you prefer.
Let me just breakdown my experience for you:
On holding the Wii for the first time
Me: So how do I do this?
Friend 1: Hold the longer one in your right and the shorter one in your left hand
Me: But I’m left handed
Friend 2: Alright, then switch
Me: *switches them* Are you sure this is how it is supposed to be? Will this place me at a disadvantage? Are we on fair grounds, cos I don’t want to start…
Friend 1&2: Roll eyes and try not to strangle me
Before playing my first game (which consisted of shooting Zombie Rabbits)
Me: Alright, let’s nail this!
Upon the beginning of my first game
Me: SHIT! SHIT! SHIT! WHERE’S MY CURSOR? WHERE DO I SHOOT? AM I SHOOTING THE RIGHT PEOPLE? OH MY GOD, WHY AREN’T MY POINTS GOING UP? GAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!
Upon coming in last on my first game
Me: I WAS SHOOTING MYSELF? HOW THE FUCK WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW?
Upon starting my second game
Me: I’m going to nail it this time
Upon losing my second game
Me: So I didn’t really nailed it. Big fucking deal. What’s the point of this anyway?
Upon losing my fifth consecutive game
Me: Some people have higher callings in life; they are just not meant for this type of things…
Upon losing my tenth consecutive game
Me: WHAT is wrong with this world? OBVIOUSLY this is rigged.
Upon realizing that I was doomed at the last place, without a shred of dignity left in my pocket
Me: There was something wrong with my remote.
Alright, so it didn’t really do much for my self esteem. But the thing was that I had a lot of fun panicking like I have not panicked in a long time. And I laughed at myself and I laughed at my friends laughing at me. And I had a great time losing. So, all in all, it really wasn’t a bad day at all. Now all I have to do is wait for my Dummy’s Guide to Winning at Wii and How to Make Your Friends Lose in Wii Games books to come in, read them from cover to cover, and then invite my friends to another round of zombie rabbit shooting.
Hope you guys are having a good week!