Not really, I can’t. I can’t explain why I bought that stupid statue. Or the chin slimmer or the ‘dentist standard’ teeth straightener or the $3 fish that I tried to buy on eBay. (It turned out to fake, and they returned me the money.)
All I know is that if this continues I’m going to die alone and penniless, wrapped up in a stinky blanket like a chicken omelette. (Which I try not to eat because sure they taste good but you’re basically saying ‘hey, so I’m just going to wrap you up in the pulp of your unborn child and eat the both of you’. I’m not sure if I’m okay with that.) They’ll find me on my deathbed with my bank account empty, and all that I can leave behind is a bloody bird statue. Which isn’t even pink, by the way. It was more like salmon colored. But I’m straying from my point, which is that my soul is being sucked out by internet shopping, churned up in the burning cauldron that is its stomach, and shitted down into a pit that is as dark and empty as my bank account.
Online shopping is so easy, you don’t even know you’re doing it. No crowded stores, no long lines, you don’t even have to type in your address anymore because they save everything for you. All you gotta do is click ‘Yes’. Yes to those leopard print boots (they’re such essentials), Yes to those cupcake makers even though you don’t bake, Yes to discount coupons you won’t remember buying, Yes to cheap deals, Yes Yes Yes. Please take all my money, I’ll just work a stripper whenever my credit card bill is due. I’m so bloody into online shopping it’s not even funny anymore.
It all really began with eBay, with the goddamn weirdos selling Harry Potter snitches (which I bought) and the Gryffindor scarves (for cold days…in the equator.) and the Mockingjay pins (everyone needs pins). Yes, yes, I am a huge fangirl, laugh at me, yada yada yada. It was cool to have these quirky things for a while because you can’t get them easily but then I started buying other things as well. First it was Groupon, with it’s dodgy chin slimming equipment that almost broke my jaw and the lasic teeth whitening paste that doesn’t work. And then came Craigslists, where you can buy a fifty years old couch for $20 or a one night stand with a ‘fit, well hung, male’ for $0. STD guaranteed. And then there were online clothe stores. My experience with them is that if you’re a size 10 and have a pair of D cup boobs, you should probably think twice about buying a tube dress that looked edgy on a size 0 model. It’s hard to achieve edgy when you look like a slutty sausage.
Anyway, now I’ve stumble upon a new obsession: bookdepository.com. If you don’t know, it is a online bookstore that has free shipping worldwide. FREE. SHIPPING. WORLDWIDE. What’s that? I’m sorry, I can’t hear you over the sound of angels singing because baby, I AM IN HEAVEN. With a lot of books.
I love books. I adore them. I sleep, eat, and breathe them. I can’t go to bed without my stuffed donkey and a nice book beside my pillow. I relish the whole experience of reading a good blurb and feeling a gravitational pull towards it that is not unlike Jacob Black’s imprinting on Renesme Cullen inside the Twilight series. (If you don’t know what I meant by that, good for you.) I live for books (and pizza but we won’t talk about that here). The only problem with Bookdepository is that it is bankrupting me. So many books, at such cheap prices, and all I gotta do is click three times (add to basket, checkout and buy) AND I HAVE A WHOLE STACK BEING SHIPPED TO MY HOUSE. Usually within 24-48hrs. Whoever that said ‘sleep on it obviously’ didn’t know about online shopping because by time I’ve slept on it and woken up, the books are already here. I’ve used Bookdepository so much, I’m starting to feel responsible for the deforestation of the world’s rain forests. In the past two days, I’ve bought five books. It doesn’t sound like much, but if I buy five books every two days, I’d have 15 books in a week, 45 in a month, and a hell lot less money in my bank account.
I even have a tab open on bookdepository.com as I type this. I’m not going to buy anymore, I swear. Except maybe like one book. Or two. Or FORTY-FIVE. I guess I’m going to have to start getting serious about that stripper job. Is anyone willing to tip in PayPal vouchers?
Have a good Thursday y’all!
P.S: I am not endorsing Bookdepository.com nor am I being paid to talk about it.
P.P.S: But I wouldn’t mind it if they do.