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Things my father said in the last two months

Watching over my shoulder as I write: “I think you should have been an engineer.”

On me telling him I don’t want to be an engineer: “I still think you should be an engineer. All I wanted was to have a daughter who is an engineer.”

On me telling him that JUST LAST WEEK he wanted a daughter who is a doctor: “Oh yeah. A doctor AND an engineer. And maybe a lawyer as well, just in case.”

On me telling him that he only has one child, AKA ME, and that I am dead set on becoming an author thus invalidating all attempts of his to have a triple-careered child: “An engineer wouldn’t have talked back to her father.”

Other things my father said

“Libraries and bookstores make me want to fart.” 

“Do you know this lady named Nicki Minaj?” 

“How do you search for Google?”

“I don’t want all of these friends on Facebook. I’ve got 12, why do I need so many friends?”

(when a flight he has been watching on a flight tracking app disappeared) “Tell your mom your uncle is dead. We should have bought insurance. “

(when the flight showed back up on the app again) “Never mind, your uncle is not dead. I accidentally turned off the wi-fi. But make sure you buy insurance before you fly anywhere.”