I finished that novel I’ve been working on since 2012. In fact, I finished last year. And then I sat on it, and then I edited it, and then I sat on it again, and then I’ve edited it for about the 300th time. I’m so sick of it right now, I want to burn the entire manuscript up. Except that I can’t, because I’ve gone and sent it out to agents.
Yes. I am querying.
Here’s the deal with querying: you’re basically just send out an resume on behalf of yourself and your book, and you’re saying, “PLEASE. PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE HIRE ME AND WORK WITH ME AND KILL TREES ON MY BEHALF SO THAT MY NARCISSISTIC DREAMS OF TOUCHING THE LIVES OF HUNDREDS THROUGH THE WRITTEN WORD WILL BE FULFILLED AND I CAN HATE MYSELF LESS.”
And most of them will go, Meh…no.
I guess what I’m trying to come to term with is that my book is not for everyone. The agents might pick it up but most likely, they will not. About 99% of the time, writers (especially those querying for their first novels) get rejected by the agents and their hearts get yanked out of their chests and eaten in the seventh pit of hell by Satan and then spat back out and shoved back into the writers’ chests like a can of mildly disguised baby puke because that’s how the publishing life works. Okay, alright, I exaggerate. A little bit. But that’s because I’M GOING CRAZY AND TRYING REALLY HARD NOT TO BE MENTAL AND SHOW UP ON THEIR DOORS AND BE ALL LIKE, “HEY THERE, I SENT YOU AN EMAIL, I AM NOT A NUTCASE, I PROMISE BUT PLEASE PUBLISH MY BOOK.”
Here’s what I’ve been distracting myself with so far:
1) The first rule of fight club is not to cave into the urge to contact all the agents you’re querying and cultivate patience. I find watching a season of Parks & Recreation a day and eating multiple pints of Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough helps.
2) The second rule of fight club is to eat more Ben and Jerry.
3) The third rule of fight club is to make overly dramatic blog posts.
4) Get on the internet. Yes, you! And watch that cat video for the 700th time. And then watch it again.
5) DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT go on the personal blogs of all your favorite authors and start going through their archives and trying to find how and when they get publish. This is very detrimental to your health and also to the passionate relationship you would otherwise share with their book.
6) Number 2 of this blog post actually works really well in all situation, even when your not querying.
7) I am now hungry. I need ice cream, so this list shall end here.
But seriously, though. Publish my book. I promise not to eat your first born child.