Call me a late bloomer, but I have a bad case of youth.

By youth, I mean having-excessively-contradictory-range-of-emotions. Some mornings, I wake up loving sunshine and blue skies and wanting to make the world better place. Some mornings, I want to take a sledgehammer and smash through everything, à la Miley Cyrus in Wrecking Ball. But most mornings, I jump from one emotion to the other, usually within a span of five seconds. 

Here is a typical situation: 

Me: *prances around a sunny field wearing chiffon dress* I love flowers! Give me bouquets and bouquets of flowers, please! PLEASE! *throws arms into the air* LET’S DAAAAAAAAANCE AND BASK IN THE BEAUTY OF NATURE!

Me: Ugh, I hate when nature gives me bugs. Ugh.   

Me: Flowers die. All things die. We are empty vessels trying to give an otherwise meaningless life some meaning by quoting words of love. And love is a chain chemical reaction that occurs in the brain, it has no purpose other than to allow human beings to create the illusion that we are more than ourselves. 

Me: You know what rhymes with love? PIZZA. 

Me: I hate life, but life gave me pizza. 

Me: I love you, pizza. You are life. 


Copy this entire situation and paste it into another topic. For example: 

Me: I hate politics. I don’t want to discuss religion. I don’t know the meaning of life. I’m twenty-two, I just want to be free. But let me just say this…I don’t approve of your Republican ideas. 

Me: I hate politics. 

Me: You know what else starts with ‘P’?

Me: Pizza. 


Okay, so maybe this post has more pizza that you were expecting, but that is because right now, Pizza is my life. That’s all I have to my name, day in and day out. That, and a healthy dollop of self-loathing. I feel like I’ve been cheated by life. I feel like someone should have warned me of growing up when I was a teenager. “Going off to college, kid? Here’s a packing list. Remember that you’re gonna hate life after school even more than you hated it during school! Oh, and here’s a brochure that tells you how to cope with becoming an adult. Okay, so it only has a picture of Death laughing at you with a caption that says ‘You’re Dead, Fucker’ but hey, at least you get a brochure! Free!”

Yeah, things are pretty fucked in my head right now. I should probably get off the internet and stop ignoring my responsibilities or whatever. I think I’ll go with whatever.