and so is the united states, benzema, but i think france will win, christiano ronaldo, didier deschamps, england is fucked, fifa world cup 2014, how to watch football, how to watch the world cup, world cup
GRAB YOUR NOTEPADS AND A PEN, YOU LITTLE PUNKS, BECAUSE I’M ABOUT TO TEACH ALL OF YOU MO-FOs HOW TO WATCH A FOOTBALL MATCH APPROPRIATELY!
1. KNOW YOUR TEAMS, GODDAMNIT!!!
Read the schedule in the papers. Google it on your phone. Call the fucking 911 for the help, I don’t care. JUST MAKE SURE YOU KNOW WHAT THE MATCH IS ABOUT. This is the most basic, basic rule. You don’t show up to a baby shower and say ‘So, who’s baby is this?’ and YOU WILL NOT ASK YOUR FRIENDS ‘WHO’S PLAYING WHO?’
2. DECIDE ON WHICH TEAM YOU HATE LESS
This is not permanent. I repeat, THIS IS NOT PERMANENT! You don’t have to support the same team in all other matches. (Unless you are a hard core football fan with a home team, in which case I don’t know why you’re reading this post.) Due to the complicated nature in which football matches are scheduled, sometimes you might find yourself watching a game where you hate both teams but you need to find one that you hate less so that you can HAVE A CAUSE TO CHEER FOR AND A REASON TO YELL AT!
3. HAVE A SELECTION OF EXPRESSIONS READY
Some examples are:
– The ‘OMG-MY-TEAM-IS-GOING-TO-SCORE‘ BODY LANGUAGE (shoulders hunched forward, mouths wide open, eyes unblinking)
– The ‘THE-REFEREE-SUCK’ FACE (big frown, I’m pissed, I’m pissed)
– The ‘FOUL!!-THAT-WAS-A-GODDAMN-FOUL-DAMN-IT!‘ JUMP (on your feet, palms out stretched, think constipation but worse)
– The ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLL!’ (YOU ARE A GOD, YOU ARE A BEAST, WRAP YOUR SHIRT AROUND YOUR HEAD, BRO FIST THE SHIT OUT OF YOUR MATES)
4. HAVE AN ANNOYING CHANT READY
Sometimes, it can be the repetition of a name. E.g:
– MESSI, MESSI, MESSI!
– ROONEY, ROONEY, ROONEY!
– RONALDO! RONALDO! RONALDO!
– BENZEMA! BENZEMA!
Sometimes, it’s a song. E.g:
– OLE, OLE, OLE!
Sometimes, it’s just:
– SHUT THE FUCK UP!
5. KNOW WHEN TO USE THE EXPRESSIONS AND THE CHANTS, YOU UNCULTURED SWINE!
And practice them passionately, young caterpillar! The key is to be passionate about everything!
6. REPEAT 3 TO 5 THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE NINETY MINUTES OF THE GAME
7. IF YOUR TEAM WON, CELEBRATE IT! HAVE SOME BEER!
8. IF YOUR TEAM LOST, GRUMBLE WITH YOUR MATES AND DROWN YOUR SORROWS IN BEER!
And now, you have successfully become a connoisseur in the art of football matching watching. Congratulations, you win nothing.