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GRAB YOUR NOTEPADS AND A PEN, YOU LITTLE PUNKS, BECAUSE I’M ABOUT TO TEACH ALL OF YOU MO-FOs HOW TO WATCH A FOOTBALL MATCH APPROPRIATELY!

1. KNOW YOUR TEAMS, GODDAMNIT!!!

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Read the schedule in the papers. Google it on your phone. Call the fucking 911 for the help, I don’t care. JUST MAKE SURE YOU KNOW WHAT THE MATCH IS ABOUT. This is the most basic, basic rule. You don’t show up to a baby shower and say ‘So, who’s baby is this?’ and YOU WILL NOT ASK YOUR FRIENDS ‘WHO’S PLAYING WHO?’

2. DECIDE ON WHICH TEAM YOU HATE LESS

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This is not permanent. I repeat, THIS IS NOT PERMANENT! You don’t have to support the same team in all other matches. (Unless you are a hard core football fan with a home team, in which case I don’t know why you’re reading this post.) Due to the complicated nature in which football matches are scheduled, sometimes you might find yourself watching a game where you hate both teams but you need to find one that you hate less so that you can HAVE A CAUSE TO CHEER FOR AND A REASON TO YELL AT!

3. HAVE A SELECTION OF EXPRESSIONS READY 

Some examples are:

– The ‘OMG-MY-TEAM-IS-GOING-TO-SCORE‘ BODY LANGUAGE (shoulders hunched forward, mouths wide open, eyes unblinking)

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– The ‘THE-REFEREE-SUCK’ FACE (big frown, I’m pissed, I’m pissed)

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– The ‘FOUL!!-THAT-WAS-A-GODDAMN-FOUL-DAMN-IT!‘ JUMP (on your feet, palms out stretched, think constipation but worse)

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– The ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLL!’ (YOU ARE A GOD, YOU ARE A BEAST, WRAP YOUR SHIRT AROUND YOUR HEAD, BRO FIST THE SHIT OUT OF YOUR MATES)

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4. HAVE AN ANNOYING CHANT READY 

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Sometimes, it can be the repetition of a name. E.g:

– MESSI, MESSI, MESSI!

– ROONEY, ROONEY, ROONEY!

– RONALDO! RONALDO! RONALDO!

– BENZEMA! BENZEMA!

Sometimes, it’s a song. E.g:

– OLE, OLE, OLE!

Sometimes, it’s just:

– SHUT THE FUCK UP!

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5. KNOW WHEN TO USE THE EXPRESSIONS AND THE CHANTS, YOU UNCULTURED SWINE!

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And practice them passionately, young caterpillar! The key is to be passionate about everything!

6. REPEAT 3 TO 5 THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE NINETY MINUTES OF THE GAME

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7. IF YOUR TEAM WON, CELEBRATE IT! HAVE SOME BEER! 

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8. IF YOUR TEAM LOST, GRUMBLE WITH YOUR MATES AND DROWN YOUR SORROWS IN BEER!  

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And now, you have successfully become a connoisseur in the art of football matching watching. Congratulations, you win nothing.

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