Life update: Weird itches and NaNoWriMo

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I’m sorry I haven’t blogged in three months but – BUT – BUUUUUUUUUT, please allow me to make up for that with an embarrassing story of my own stupidity.

1. Two weeks ago, I sat down on a treadmill while trying to wrap a present (long story) and then broke out in hives ten minutes later. By hives, I’m not just talking about the small red ones. These are the big angry ITCHY ones that sprout all over your body and make you scratch enough for people to think that you have a goddamn disease. I first tried to get rid of them using hand cream. Surprise, surprise, it didn’t work. So then I went to the office first aid box and found some (just a few months expired) lotion that was supposed to help with rashes and insect bites so I rubbed them happily all over my leg. It did work for a little while, but when I look down a few minutes later, MY ENTIRE LEG WAS STAINED YELLOW FROM THE LOTION. I looked like a freaking extended family member of the Simpsons from waist down. I rushed to the doctor’s during lunch and here was how the conversation went:

Doctor (writing on my patient card): They look like allergic reactions or bed bug bites. Did you eat anything wrong or sleep in a different bed? 

Me: No, but I sat down on a treadmill. 

Doctor: You sat on a treadmill and…? 

Me: I broke out in hives. 

Doctor (stops writing): Are you trying to tell me that you broke out in hives because you’re allergic to the treadmill?

Me: It happens…right?

As it turned out, no it doesn’t happen and the doctor assured me about seventy-five times that I didn’t have an allergy to treadmills OR exercise OR sweat and that there was no need for me to avoid exercising for the next ten years. Bummer. I was sent home with a prescription for bed bug bites (apparently bed bugs live everywhere, even on exercise machines) and the understanding that I am a huge gigantic dork.

2. Also, I tried participating in NaNoWriMo this year. For those don’t know what that is…go google it. I’m too lazy to explain. My aim was to write the world’s bestest most fucking awesome novel in A MONTH and win the Nobel Prize for Literature next year or the year after, but as it turned out…well, it didn’t turn out anyway. I couldn’t hit my goal for 50k words. I managed to go up to 30k+ before realizing that my story was shit and abandoning the project. Since then, I’ve been an utterly unproductive potato and finished all four seasons of Game of Thrones in four days. I’ve also considered the prospects of leaving my job and getting myself a sugar daddy to pay for my student loans but I’m having difficulty find a man that doesn’t need me to A) Sleep with him, B) Or Meet him, C) Or ever talk to him and D) is willing to transfer me endless supply of dollars through an untraceable account for my efforts in doing nothing. If you know such a man, please contact me at my blog email. Thank you.

Quick question for anyone who sees this: were your 20s such a big disaster too?

Love,

E

Everyone has something to say

The amount of times I’m thinking, “Uuuuuuuuuugggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh” in my head while someone is trying to tell me what they think about Asians or people or ponies or stuffs or whatever is getting out of hand. It’s probably very rude but uuuuuuuuuuuuggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh *insert rebellious expression* uuuuuuuuughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Cancer Night Tonight

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As part of my Gradual Breakdown process, I’m re-watching a shit ton of cancer movies tonight. Funny how when I watched them pre-Mom’s-cancer, I thought they were just sad, but now they are sad AND true, which makes them even sadder. Here’s the list, in case anyone wants to share the experience:

1. Now Is Good – my favorite of the bunch. Tessa is probably how I am right now.

2. A Little Bit of Heaven

3. The Fault in Our Stars – John Green, yada yada

4. A Walk to Remember

5. My Sister’s Keeper

6. Stepmom

7. P.S I Love You

8. The Last Song – Miley Cyrus before twerking

9. About Time – Not about cancer, but I’m going to watch it anyway because it’s one of my favorite movies ever from the soundtrack to the romance

10. Titanic – Because Jack dies in spite of the fact that the huge ass door can fit two people

How’s your Friday night looking?

From a Buick 8 by Stephen King and an alien rant

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I just finished reading this book and I have to write about it while it’s fresh in my mind. Two things first: A) I don’t usually read horrors/thrillers/mystery because I am a giant wuss and I get nightmares when I read them B) but I decided to be brave and read it anyway. 

Here’s a dumbed down synopsis of the plot: An old Buick got abandoned a gas station and was brought to a police station. Since then, it has been taken care by the officers for like…thirty years without the public knowing about it because it turns out (DRUMROLL PLEASE) it’s not just any ordinary car: it happened to be a linkway between Earth and an alien planet. The officers (Troopers, they are called in the book) kept it a secret because they believed it is their duty to protect the people and also because the main guys who found it wanted to study it for themselves. The annoying thing about the Buick is that it kept spitting out all these alien bats and leaves and an actual E.T that was immediately chowed down by the police dog. (It later got poisoned by the fluids from the same ET and died.) And yeah. That pretty much is it. 

Of course, Stephen King told it in a much scarier way because he’s Stephen King and everything he does is scary…even his name scares me sometimes. But I’m not as freaked out by this book as I was by his other ones (like The Shining or Carrie) because one main thing: ALIENS. 

I get why people are obsessed with them, I really do. And I think they exists. And I think they’ve been to Earth. 

No, I’m serious. 

I think they’ve been to Earth, we just don’t know it yet because I’m pretty sure they just turned around and left after like, two days. Think about it. We’re not entirely that interesting. Sometimes we give ourselves too much credit (I blame Hollywood for that) by thinking that everyone wants to live in Planet Earth because it can ‘sustain life’. But what if ‘sustenance’ doesn’t actually mean oxygen or trees or pizza? I’m sure aliens have their own way of surviving and they are perfectly fine with their lives and have no intention of bunking in with us. Aliens doesn’t always have to be synonymous with ‘OH MY GOD, THEY’RE GOING TO GET US! THEY WANT TO TAKE OVER THE PLANET AND EAT US AND MAKE US THEIR SLAVES! QUICK, GET TOM CRUISE AND JAMES CAMERON AND SIGOURNEY WEAVER WE NEED TO SAVE AMERICA….AND THE REST OF THE WORLD TOO, IF WE HAVE TIME!’

Get off your high horses, homo sapiens, we’re not that big of a deal. Yesterday, I saw my mother tried to use a phone upside down and my colleague walked into a door. Do you really think these are the species aliens would want to control? Didn’t think so.

Fifty Shades of THAT-MOVIE-THAT-DOESNT-CONTAIN-MATT-BOMER trailer

Yes, I’m going to blog about it. 

Yes, I’ve read the books. Twice. 

Yes, I liked them, if only in the ‘Oh my god, is that even possible? I’m SO making fun of this book’ way.

Fifty Shades (Book) Sentiments

I think that Anastasia Steele is a GIANT WIMPY PANSY and that Christian Grey is really messed up and that E L James need to go sit in a corner and think about what she’s done. 

I hate E L James annoying way of writing that ensures Anastasia is portrayed as a shallow, vapid idiot that has every male within breathing distance be in love with her. (Oh, I’m just a plain Jane…my sparkling blue eyes are SO boring, my lustrous brown hair is SO boring, my slim figure is SO boring…seriously, why is everyone in love with me?!). And I hate that she did the same thing to Christian Grey (I am a damaged man…I make $100,000 an hour.) and I hate the stupid unnecessary sex scenes. (You’re crying? Let’s have sex. Your mom doesn’t care about you? Let’s have sex. I just arrived back from a plane crash? Let’s have sex.)

But. BUT. BUTT. Despite the shallow, annoying leads and the abundance of weird sex scenes, I liked that Anastasia tried to help Christian. I liked that he had issues and he was willing to admit them (albeit in a manner that is very unrealistic, even for an erotica). I like that the two of them are very emotionally open with each other (again, in a very unrealistic manner but at least they try). And I liked that his psychological state improved considerably over the span of the three books. 

Fifty Shades (Trailer) Sentiments

Thought: Where is Matt Bomer? 

In which I realized I didn’t want anybody to win the world cup

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So. Last night. Germany. Argentina. World Cup. And me.

I got out of bed at 3 in the morning because a) I wanted to watch the only sport I truly care about in the world and b) I had a weird craving for cheese crackers. I was completely gunning for TEAM GERMANY (I got your back, Muller darling!) and I literally fell off the couch when Gotze scored that beautiful, wonderful, perfect goal in the last twenty minutes of extra time.

Argentina tried really hard but Germany dominated the game and at the last few minutes King Messi got a free kick and I thought, HOT DAMN WE’RE GOING TO GO INTO PENALTY, WHICH IS ONLY LIKE THE COOLEST THING EVER but as it turned out, Messi couldn’t score that last free kick he got. (Although, with all due respect, it is SUPER HARD to score one under these circumstance.)

The clock hits 123 mins and it was game over which meant that Germany won and life as we knew it is over for Argentina and Messi and suddenly, I wasn’t so sure if that Gotze goal was so beautiful after all.

You should see the Argentinians faces. Really, you should.

messi 3
See that?

messi 2

And that?

messi 4

And that?

messi 5

That, my friends, is the face of a man utterly deflated.

Even the stupid Golden Ball award didn’t make him smile.

messi bummed1 messi bummed2

messi bummed3 messi bummed4

messi bummed5 messi bummed6

messi bummed7 messi bummed8

Excuse me while I go to a corner and cry. 

And I thought to myself, this is wrong. Like, he’s worked hard to get here. EVERYONE worked really hard to this stage and CAN’T WE JUST HAVE TWO WINNERS NOW AND HAVE TWO SMALLER CUPS INSTEAD OF ONE BIG ONE BECAUSE BOTH TEAMS REALLY DESERVED IT. And then I felt really shitty for choosing sides (even though I really like Muller) and the cameras kept cutting between smiling Germans and stony Messi and team (*sobs uncontrollably*) and it was just HORRIBLE. HORRIBLE WORLD CUP.

So, yeah. That was my night. I might be slightly overemotional right now (WHEN aren’t I overemotional these days?) because the game lasted for like three hours and I’ve barely slept. And also Argentina, please don’t cry. You can come to my house and I will run you hot baths and buy you pizza and we can build tiny World Cup statues out of Cheetos.

Happy Monday, you guys. Or not, if you’re Argentinian.

I Should Be Sleeping But Instead I Am Lying On My Bed Crying, A Life Story

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…and the reason for that long title is none other than the object of my constant obsession…Harry Potter. (I almost said pizza but pizza would never make me cry.) 

Yesterday, I blogged about the series and today I received news that there is a new ‘chapter’ on the golden trio in the form of a Daily Prophet article by an odious animagus who goes by the name of Rita Skeeter. Thank you, God and Allah and Buddha and Every Other Being Out There, Including J K Rowling! In line with my narcissistic nature, I am going to assume that the world revolves around me and that the reason why the new chapter is up is because J K Rowling is obsessed with me and doesn’t want to see me live my life in peace and wants me cry over her wonderful creation every night for the rest of my life, an act which I would gladly do if it means that the HP series can continue. 

I love the article on Pottermore. I love it, I love it, I love it. Harry is an Auror with a new scar, Ron is balding, Luna is being Luna, Bill’s daughter is sucking face with Teddy Lupin, and I love it all. Seriously. I am just oozing love from my face right now. Okay, correction: most of the oil my face might not be from love but rather the cheeseburger I had for dinner BUT THAT DOES NOT LESSEN MY LOVE FOR THE WIZARDING WORLD OF HARRY POTTER ANY LESS.

That is all, folks. Now I’m going to shut my computer and cry some more. 

 

P.S. I love the Pottermore article. 

P.P.S This blog post may sound slightly unnerving and stalkerish and psychotic but it is past midnight and my mind is addled. I will regret my spontaneous bloggings when I wake up more lucid tomorrow.